This website has no other purpose than to display Chris Barclay's apparent lack of writing talent.

Snakes: A Screenplay

Snakes: A Screenplay

Snakes

By Chris Barclay

 How Stuff Works: animals: https://r.hswstatic.com/u_0/w_480/gif/invasive-tactics-tree_snake.jpg

How Stuff Works: animals: https://r.hswstatic.com/u_0/w_480/gif/invasive-tactics-tree_snake.jpg

Scene: 1930's or 1940's Brooklyn, no one really knows what time period this takes place.

A Child sells newspapers [and snakes] on a soapbox

Child: “EXTREE EXTREE READ ALL ABOUT IT! WE GOT FREE SNAKES HEEEEYAAA! FRESH ONES, WE GOT RED ONES, BLUE ONES, SNAKES WITH YELLOW STRIPES ON ‘EM READ ALL ABOUT IT OVAH HEEEYRE!! SO MANY SNAKES YA CAN'T HOLD 'UMM!

Lawyer man 1: “What’s all the commotion// ova heeeeyre”

Lawyer man 2: “Ayyyy What’s all tha commotion ‘bout ova heeeeeyyyyrree”

Lawyer man 3: “For god’s grace good child what is this commotion about?”

Lawyer man 4: “Child! What is this commotion about ova here!?”

Lawyer man 5: “Hey Hey Hey what’s this commotion”

Child: “READ ALL ABOUT IT! SNAKES! AYYYY”

The Lawyers murmur together LOUDLY

Child: “HEY HEY HEY WE GOT BOOKS ‘EEEEREE! WE GOT BOOKS ON SNAKES EVERY BOOK ON EVERY SNAKE! LEMME LOOK OVA ‘ERE AYYY”

Lawyer man 3: “‘Ayyyy Kid whattaya makin’ all that racket about”

Lawyer man 5: “Yeeee Kid whatcha makin’ that RAQUET about”

All the Lawyers murmur “Racket Racket, ohhhh that’s some racket ova eeeeeyre”

Child: “AYYYY LISTEN UP RIGHT OVA HEEEEREE WE GOT SOME NEWSPAPUHS AND SNAKES, IF IT DON’T SLITHA IT AINT A SNAKE, YOU GOTTA GET YA SNAKES OVA HEEERE GETCHA STEP RIGHT UP MISTER AND CLAIM YA SNAKE!”

Lawyer man 1: “mMmm I’ll buy 1 snake”

Lawyer man 2: “Nonsense gimme 2 of ‘em ova here!”

Child throws respective snakes at them

Lawyer men 4 + 3: “AYYYY WHATTABOUT US YA GONNA GIVE US SNAKES TOO?”

Child throws snakes at them

Child: “STEP RIGHT UP GETCHA SNAKES RIGHT OVA HERE”

The lawyers clamor over snakes as the boy has too many snakes to throw yet cannot possibly throw enough snakes to satisfy the clamor of the lawyers

Lawyer woman #1: “Good HEAVENS has this society gone absolutely Mad!? British accent

Child: “”AYYYYYYY GETCHA SNAKES OVA HEEEEEYRRE”

Lawyer woman #2: “Lord, Child! What is this commotion? How possibly inane this spectacle. HMMMPH!”

Lawyer woman #3: “This sounds absoLUTELY Like a spectacle over ‘eeeeyre at this commotion!”

CHILD: “GETCHA SNAKES OVER HEREEEEEE ”

Lawyers continue to clamor and Lawyer 3 keeps shouting “MORE SNAKES GIVE US SUMMORE SNAKES”

Lawyer woman 4: “Good HEAVENS has this society gone SNAKES!?”

Lawyer 1: “GETCHA SNAKES HERE!”

Lawyer women fold their arms and judge the lawyer men clamoring over the snakes. There are so many snakes.

Child: “GET CHA SNAKES DOWN (australian accent: actually sounds like: “deeeeeen boooouy thaah reeeeevaaahh”) BY THE RIVER I’M TALKING TALL SNAKES THEY ALL SLITHER FOLKS GET EM RIGHT HERE THEY ALL SLITHA THEY SLITHA LIKE SNAKES BECAUSE THEY’RE SNAKES SLITHERIN’ SNAKES GENUINE RED STRIPED ONES OVA HERE”

The lawyer women one by one join the mass of people slithering over snakes.

Eventually. . .

Child: “THAT’S IT FOLKS THERES NO MORE SNAKES EXTREE EXTREEE”

The lawyer men murmur while the lawyer women keep saying, nay, chanting the word commotion

The Child steps off the soap box and starts doing snow angels in all of the snakes, slowly starting to sob.

Fade to Black

Remembering Margaret Cavendish

Remembering Margaret Cavendish

Okay Let's Un-Skin that Joke, I Was Wrong...

Okay Let's Un-Skin that Joke, I Was Wrong...